Anticipation

You know the feeling of worrying about the unknown? Having so many questions you can't keep up with your brain and you end up totally confused by questioning yourself?

As humans’ problems are so much easier to deal with once we know what they are and the first time doing anything is always the scariest!

This week my head has been doing summersaults waiting for appointments, wondering how the appointments will go once I've got them and what they will entail?

I am not just thinking about me but also about my loved ones and how they must be feeling, each one of them behaving differently from their normal but equally nothing like each other. I'm guessing it depends on the relationship you have with others as to how something scary like this affects each individual.

I hate that having this cancer makes those I love hurt, I have always tried to be the one that makes things better and I have no control of this, that just makes me sad.

Tomorrow I go for CT with dye to establish exactly where this cancer is and how spread out it is; people have asked "how did you know?" well the short answer is... I felt like shit and I had a lot of swollen glands, then I found a lump in my neck quite small and quite deep inside, that has grown an lot now and is actually as visible as the glands under my ears, I also had fat swollen shoulders by my neck and when I spoke to the GP initially I did say I was not sure if it was related or just MORE fat!

I am now the fattest I have ever been in my life and one of the side effects is supposed to be excessive weight loss... but I haven’t seen that yet! I'm definately a step above heavyweight!

I look forward to tomorrow with great anticipation and with hope that being able to see how far it has travelled and how much there is we are one step closer to kicking cancers ass!

So, it’s time to prepare for something new, attempt to sleep and remember to breathe.